Cookie Monster: Oh, good, we start new writing series. How exciting. In case not obvious, Cookie being sarcastic.
Me: It’s your fault. I have to do this so I can get out of my own head.
CM: You talking to voice in head. How you get out of head if you talk to head?
Me: By personifying my nagging, pessimistic, anxious brain as Cookie Monster, I turn you into a harmless monster that I can mock, rather than a negative demon that plagues me.
CM: No mention inner demon again. We sound crazy.
Me: And talking to Cookie Monster is not crazy?
CM: Oh, it crazy. But funny-crazy. It better if people laugh at pain, not be actually worried. We fine. Me make sure me stay the same so we not crazy-crazy. Padded room not covered by HMO.
CM: Me still think you procrastinating, though. Me see you click “Order” for CisForCrazy.com. How many domains we buy, use for one week, then ditch?
Mother: You know GoogleDocs iz free! Ve could feed dah whole family vith the $1.99 you spent on dis domain name!
CM: Why you not just post to Facebook?
Me: I’ll be mad if I post this to of Facebook and lose it forever in the void of cat pictures.
CM: You know Facebook optimizes posts. Links only optimize if sponsored post or Buzzfeed sorcery. You fail at internet.
Me: I DON’T CARE! I’m just using this domain as a dump box, because you never know what will come of it or who will stumble onto it and relate. Besides, clicking “post” gives me a sense of accomplishment I can’t get when I’m ghost writing for other people or working on projects that have endless amounts of work attached with no real end in site.
CM: Maybe bigger projects could end if you no start 75 new things and then abandon. You worse than rabbit or lizard that abandon babies. Me think rabbit and lizard abandon young? Or maybe eat? Look at Wikipedia.
Me: Damn it this is why we can’t finish anything! Lizards abandon. Rabbits eat. I think. If we finish our other writing assignment, we can google facts about rabbits and lizards for one hour.
CM: Two hours.
Me: One and a half.
CM: Rabbit and lizard and koala.
Me: But koalas don’t abandon their babies….
CM: They cute.
Me: Ok, deal.