Cookie Monster: What dat?
Me: It’s a freckle.
CM: It cancer.
Me: Shut up, I use sunscreen all the time.
CM: Internet say sunscreen actually cause cancer now, not prevent.
Me: FINE, I will have it looked at.
CM: Ok, good. In the meantime, here list of friends that have cancer and died. You should feel sad and scared and anxious and powerless.
Me: Or how about feel thankful to be alive and try to help our friends struggling with this illness?
CM: What you do to help? Use Bachelor of Fine Arts degree to draw shitty sympathy card?
Mom Voice: If you weren’t selfish and went to medical school like I wanted, maybe you could have fixed all of your friends’ diseases. You should feel guilty.
Meatsack goes to Doctor. Doctor looks at stupid freckle.
Dr: “Uh, you need to get that checked out.”
Me: “I thought you WERE checking it out!”
Dr: “No, this looks bad. Here’s a referral to a dermatologist.”
CM: PANIC! PANIC! SAY BYE BYE TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS!
Me: Crap, the first open appointment is one month from now.
CM: That not good. We look at hideous pictures of moles for the next 30 days to see how log we have to live.
Mother Voice: I told you that if you go into dah sun you will get freckles and no one will love you! Now you have hand freckle, you ugly, and now you’re going to die and leave me!
Me: Mom, I’m not leaving you. And stop calling me ugly. My husband loves me for who I am and all my freckles. He says he likes the star pattern of freckles on my shoulder. He calls it my solar system.
CM: Yah, yah, very romantic. Here is a list of women husband should marry when we dead of hand cancer.
Me: That’s morbid!
CM: It better that he remarry now so he not sad when we a bloated corpse.
Me: Who says my corpse will be bloated?
CM: Oh, me forget to tell you. When modern medicine fails us, me think we just walk into ocean. Fish food. Circle of life.
One month later. Meatsack goes to the dermatologist.
Dermatologist: “It’s fine. A little weird, so we’ll just watch it.”
Me: You see, Cookie Monster and Mother Voice? You were anxious for nothing.
CM: You still had weird pain in side on hip a few months ago. You went to doctor for that too, but since they haven’t invented the tricorder yet, you definitely dying. Bet they invent tricorder day after you die.