Meat sack walks to the kitchen.
Cookie Monster: I hungry, it snacky time. Why kitchen so messy? Why everything in the fridge orange?
Me: You made me do it! You said carrots were good and you would eat them if I did all of the things with carrots! You promised me a career in night diving!
CM: Ooooo, pizza dough! Wonder if it taste like cookie dough?
Me: Don’t be a stereotype, Cookie Monster. Hey, aren’t you supposed to be better now, like the Veggie Monster that thinks cookies are a ‘Sometimes Food’?
CM: Dat for new wussie generation. You child of the ‘80’s. Real Cookie Monster ingrained as your id.
Me: Very Freudian.
CM: Yah, me go to college. You no let us move to Mexico and eat only avocados like me wanted. Eat the dough?
Me: We have to cook it so we don’t die.
CM: PIZZAAAAAAAA TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!
Me: We shouldn’t eat pizza this late.
CM: You on shitty sleep schedule anyway. Pretend it breakfast. Put bacon on it.
Me: No, we’re putting vegetables on it. Shit, we’re out of cheese.
CM: Remember your friend sent you Pinterest where you can make ricotta from scratch from milk and vinegar?
Me: I’m just going to make a microwave dinner.
My Mother: I saw dat dah milk expires tomorrow! Ve’re judging you!
Me: Fine, I’ll learn how to make fresh ricotta. Sheesh.
::15 minutes later::
Husband comes home. Greets Meatsack, does a double-take.
Husband: “What happened to the kitchen? Why are you making a pizza from scratch at 3 am? Why does everything smell like a salad? What’s all this milk bubbling around for?”
CM: Uht, oh, gotta go!
Me: “You want some pizza?”
Husband: “Is there bacon on it?”
Me: “Damn it, what is with everyone and the bacon today?”
Husband: “Who else harassed you for bacon?”