Me: Mmm, red pepper and hummus snack!
Cookie Monster: Red pepper not organic. Internet say it kill you.
Me: We can’t afford organic red peppers! They’re $5.99 a pound!
Mother Voice: A pepper veights von pound. You actually considering buying von pepper for $6?!!?! Jézus Krisztus!
Cookie Monster: Dirty Dozen list. Methamidophos. Acephate. Endosulfans. We remember pesticide names, but not where car keys are.
Mother: $6. Hrumph. You can feed dah whole family for the price of your selfishness pepper. Six extra-large yummy iced vanilla coffees. Or a Mac-Chicken, Small Fry, Side Salad vith Light Italian Dressing, two apple pie, three cookie, und small Diet Coke. Or six double cheese burgers, made into twelve by dividing dem in half to make open-faced burger sandvitches….
Me: Stop reading me items from the McDonald’s menu! Also, there were Organic Green Peppers on sale for $1.99/pound on FreshDirect’s website. And we had a coupon! I didn’t hear your bitching about pesticides then.
Cookie Monster: Me no like the green ones as much.
Me: This is infuriating! How is it possible that one of you is paranoid about pesticidey food-death and the other one just want the cheapest, shittiest, chemicaliest foods?
Cookie: We complicated person.
Me: I should be allowed to eat this pepper with a clean conscience. I got it at a local international farmer’s market for 99 cents, thus supporting fresh, local agriculture AND making a wallet-friendly choice.
Cookie: Yah, but hummus you bought supports the war in the Middle East. Me not sure how, exactly, but remember the anti-Sabra hummus guy you saw on the street dressed like big chickpea and shouting a lot?
Mom: Don’t believe vhat chickpea men say just because dey speak loud! Dat is how Hitler came into power! Or maybe he vas just crazy chickpea hobo. Also, hummus vas on sale at Shop-Rite, $1.99.
Me: Fine, I’ll make my own, anti-war hummus.
Mom: No! You should still eat the war hummus so you don’t vaste food.
Cookie: But you should feel bad about it.