Cookie Monster: I hungry, it snacky time.
Me: Ok, remember, only healthy stuff.
CM: Ok, ok.
Meat sack walks to the fridge.
CM: Ug, carrots.
Me: They’re baby carrots! You LIKE baby carrots.
CM: Store brand carrots have bad graphic design so me not want them. Want salty. Ooo! Turkey! Only 90 calories! We eat?
Me: Wait a minute…where did this turkey come from?
CM: You shaddup. Me eat with carrots, then. Make carrots salty.
Me: No, seriously, when did you buy this? Because-
CM: Expires April, it fine.
Me: You’re forgetting that the fridge had no electricity for 4 days.
CM: It vacuum-sealed, it fine.
Me: That lunch meat is sketchy.
CM: You been drinking sketchy almond milk for days. You not dead. It fine.
Me: Almond milk is almonds. Sketchy lunch meat might kill us.
CM: Maybe you get small parasite. Tapeworm if lucky. You eat anything you want then.
Me: You know that’s not how it work. We’ll die.
Mom: You vasting food den. In Soviety Hungary, ve didn’t have food! And money. And you’ve kept dah fridge open dis whole time? You should feel GUILTY! ALVAYS!
Me: No, Mom Voice, but…
Voice of Reason: You got it on sale for 79 cents. Please don’t die because you don’t want to waste 79 cents of sketchy lunch meat.
CM: Ok, you right. We’re super-shoppers. We eat carrots now.
Meat sack begrudgingly puts carrot in mouth. Frown turns into smile.
Cookie Monster: CARROTS ARE THE MOST YUMMY THING IS THE WORLD!
Me: I told you that you like carrots! Why do you always have to fight with me, Cookie Monster voice?
CM: Ok. We eat only carrots now. Forever.
Me: I can’t. I’ll turn orange.
CM: That urban legend. We looked at internet one time and it said carrot good. Lists of pictures of things no lie.
Me: I need to a wide variety of food in moderation as a part of our lifestyle for a healthy body.
CM: Yah. We eat carrot juice, carrot chips, carrot sticks, carrot soup. WE PRINT OUT ALL THE RECIPES FROM PINTEREST!
Me: So I can put them in the greasy recipe binder and never look at them again?
CM: Yah. Also, our night vision real shitty. We eat carrot, we can become nighttime divers. See all of the fish with our superior carrot eyes. We be on the news. Mom be proud.
Me: I can’t become a night diver. I have anxiety issues, remember?
CM: Oooo, to make carrot, we use all of the kitchen gadgets we got as wedding present. It fun!
Me: Oh…I do enjoy kitchen gadgets.
CM: Carrot carrot carrot carrot carrot carrot…