Aries (March 21-April 19)
Carrying around full gasoline containers, Italian food, and quadrocopters in your car is a recipe for disaster. Just think what the cops will have to tell your mother. “Ma’am it was a horrible sight. Propellers and ravioli everywhere…”
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You will sit down and take a poo. When you stand, it will be gone. That ghost poo will haunt you for the rest of your life.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You’re a hipster. I know you won’t believe me, because the first sign of being a hipster is hating hipsters. Here’s the proof: tell anyone you know “I was just reading this sarcastic independent comedy horoscope blog this morning… say, am I a hipster?” and see what they say.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
You’re older than you’ve ever been and now you’re even older. And now you’re even older. And now you’re older still.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’re the reason the property value is so low in your neighborhood.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Resist the temptation to purchase the discount electronic device that requires a mail-in rebate. Annually, more letters-to-Santa are answered than mail-in rebates.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Your pet is staring at the ghost that haunts your house. It is convincing him/her to kill.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Your taste in music sucks.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Your weird pajamas are not helping you score any sexytime.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
There is a full moon this week. The nice people from the psychiatric hospital will be coming to take you away. Especially when you try to show everyone that your pale butt is just a bright as the rock in the sky. All of the nurses will get to admire it as well, because that’s how they administer your medication.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Your beloved pet never ran away, got adopted, or “sent to a farm”. A family member ran it over one day while another family member was giving them oral relations in their vehicle.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Your favorite reality television program is scripted. You are a sucker.
Buddhist Monkey Proverb:
If living in a Muslim country, make friends with the Chinese, they know where to find real bacon.
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only. Don’t be a dumbass.