Aries (March 21-April 19)
This week don’t be afraid to throw your cares into the wind. They will inevitably blow back at you 10 fold, but, really don’t be afraid, it was going to be bad anyway.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your allergies are getting out of control. All that tree pollen is making your eyes and cheeks swell up, and your nose run like a river. People are going to start calling you “Hag fish” with all that mucous flowing out of you.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
That weird smell is you. Learn how to use toilet paper, you have poop stuck to your butt.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Don’t ignore the strange looks that you’re getting. Everyone is psychic but you. We all know what a pervert you are. Sicko.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
An adventure is on the horizon. Only, not for you. Your better looking cousin that your grandmother always loved more, will be winning an all expenses paid cruise around the world.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
That pimple on your forehead is really a subcutaneous parasite that is eating away at your skull. And while bone marrow is great and all, it really prefers brains. Good luck with that.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
If it seems like everyone around you is pregnant, you are correct. Those aliens have been real busy with their probe-u-lator lately.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You’re turning into a cat. Hope you’re not averse to litter boxes.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The world is ending! Oh, wait no, just your world. Sorry
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You will cut your lip on a chipped mug, it will become infected, and you will need a lower-lip amputation. No more pouting for you!
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Yes, that outfit does make your butt look big.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Your love of hot sauce will be the death of you, literally.
Buddhist Monkey Proverb:
True friendship is measured by distance and weight. Think about this the next time you need a keg of beer, or need to hide a body.
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only. Don’t be a dumbass.