Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your action figures come alive while you sleep. They have declared war against the neighbor’s toys and are now in an arms race. The first to make a nuclear bomb out of household items wins.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
A bear will cross your path. You will be tempted to wrestle her into submission. It will not go well. Have no fear, this fate is entirely preventable. Just be sure to take a long hard look in the mirror (full length recommended) before you leave the house and repeat the words “I’m scrawnier than a baby deer born in the middle of a hard winter” three times. This must be done everyday from now until eternity. Otherwise resign yourself to having your face ripped off by an angry momma bear.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
I know you are trying to make some big changes to the wardrobe, but seriously green tartan, and blue plaid are not a good combination EVER.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
An authority figure will be listening closely to what you have to say this week. Just remember to say “Yes Your Honor” when you answer questions in court.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Your father was a great man. He was so proud of you when you were a baby. It’s going to break his heart to see what a scoundrel you have become. There goes the inheritance.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Look, I know you like to think up ways to make a gazillion dollars off of some simple widget. But unless you go beyond the thinking phase, you are going to be in worse shape than Navin in “The Jerk”
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
So what if the aliens have given you insight to their plans for the human race. Your not as witty as that spiky haired scientist meme guy. If you don’t quell the jealousy a bit, they are going to lock you away, AGAIN.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Your roomates are tired of all the flies that are attracted to your slowly rotting vegetation that you have dressed up with a cute face, and accessories. Remember vegetables are not like fish, they ARE food, not friends.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The oldest saying in Show Biz: I don’t care if you say something good about me or bad about me – just spell my name right! Too bad they couldn’t follow that simple rule.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your plan for getting people to listen to you involves poisionous snakes. A crowd will gather around you, not to listen, but to see how many times you get bitten.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You are trying to make amends for wrongs you have done. Its too bad the fruitful blessings you seek come in the form of a rotting fruit basket thrown through your window.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Quit trying to interpret your dreams. I am the psychic one here. Besides, if your preminitions come true, I am out of a job.
Buddhist Monkey Proverb:
He who finds financial bounty, will most certainly find people ready to seek another type of bounty.
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only. Don’t be a dumbass.