Aries (March 21-April 19)
Why can you not relax lately — it is likely due to the fact that you haven’t paid enough attention to that special someone lately. The tension will be all but eliminated by surrounding them with good friends who are eager to get their hands on her. No, I am not talking about your wife… your gaming console.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
There is only one person causing so much anxiety in your life — it’s you. Perhaps it is best to take heed of the advice I gave Aries… otherwise what I am seeing in the crystal ball for you is far worse than Capricorn.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Keep both feet firmly planted on the ground today. And beware of those artillery shells of so-called “Fireworks” taking you for a ride.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Your ideals are tested today — but your great energy ensures that you find the right way to deal with this. Make sure that you ask the right questions, even if the answers are far from forthcoming.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Someone isn’t revealing their true intentions — is it you? This could be a bad problem or it could be a silly romantic misunderstanding, but you need to try to figure it out pretty soon.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
A work problem is causing you headaches today, but not so much that you can’t deal with them forcefully. In fact, the quicker you jump on this issue, the more likely you are to fix it.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
This is a better time for listening than for talking — though you may need to ask some big questions to get the conversational ball rolling. Life is strange, but one good friend can help you understand.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
It’s a good time for you to step up and try to get your people to see things your way, It may come across as overly critical, though, so do your best to sugarcoat your words when necessary.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
A conflict arises out of two opposing ideas. You are firmly in one camp, but you may not be able to see a way out of this tussle. Look to a wise friend or colleague to rise above it all.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
The crystal ball is showing me something about… bright, beer, fire, gasoline, injury and celebration. Does that mean anything to you?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You can see that a group you’re part of is going in a bad direction — but can you articulate the reason why? Now is the time to think it all through and then speak from the heart. You can do it!
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Don’t struggle against anything but tyranny today — the normal roadblocks and whatnot that life presents just aren’t worth your energy. Also, they’re basically insurmountable until tomorrow!
Buddhist Monkey Proverb:
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only. Don’t be a dumbass.