Aries (March 21-April 19)
You are seeking peace and harmony this week. Unfortunately, the military is testing two new rockets with the same name. Guess who is going to be involved in an “accident”.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your not really a doctor of anything, especially medicine. The “degree” you got from that online school qualifies you for nothing.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You’re trying to increase your popularity by joining a gym? The only people you will become popular with are the doctors who rebuild your joints, fatty.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Your attempt at building a robot that can recite poetry is going to go well. Soon it will become self-aware, and compose its own works, get a book deal, become rich, and leave you for a autonomous vacuum.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
I know money is tight, and education is expensive, but you aren’t doing yourself any favors by completing all the puzzles on the back of cereal boxes.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Oh here we go again! You are such a greedy, fame driven, petulant child sometimes. You are always going to be a loser. P.S. I pitched you to the networks, they greenlit my version of the reality show. Sorry there isn’t money in the budget to “pay” you, and all future endorsement deals pay me 85% of the gross.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
So you are trying to impress the boss eh? I don’t think micro-managing the coffee/donut order is going to prove your leadership skills.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You are such a crabby curmudgeon. I don’t understand why people like you live so long. Are you afraid if your happy that you will miss out on something big? News Flash: You have missed a lot
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Your plan to build a “space elevator” could go well if you think it through. I really don’t think those tinker-toys, and lego are durable enough. You are no Elon Musk.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your going to have an important visitor this week. Yes, its the cutie from across the hall. Problem is she will be paying you a professional visit. She is an IRS agent, and you are being audited.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Intuition is not your strong suit. You really don’t know when people are making fun of you, do you? Well as your trusted astrologer, I can provide you personal guidance for $5.99 a minute.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Be sure to avoid the beach. Not only does no one want to see you in a swim suit, but there is more than a definite chance that you’ll be eaten by a transplanted Sandworm, due to Saturn being retrograde.
Buddhist Monkey Proverb:
He who forsakes education, will be living at the expense of their own ignorance
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only. Don’t be a dumbass.