Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your hard work and determination will pay off, for the generation after next. Too bad George W. Bush will take credit for your work. You, however, will not be remembered, not even by your own family.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re in for a long week. Time is going to stop for you and you’ll be stuck at the climax of the best movie you’ve seen in years. Not only will you be floating alone through a timeless space with nothing to do for eternity, but you will never know how that movie ends.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Your mother has decided to become a beekeeper. No, she hasn’t forgotten that you’re deathly allergic to bees. It was a calculated move to keep you away from her house, while making some extra money selling local honey at the farmers market. I must say, her prices are the best around.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
You should invest in a taster monkey (don’t mention this to the humane society). Someone is trying to poison you.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
I’m seeing fire, lots of fire. A forest fire, you start when you throw a cigarette butt into a pile of dead leaves. No need to run, you genius you, you’re going to get caught and sentenced to 3-5 years. You really should have quit when you had the chance, smoking is a disgusting habit.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Yes, your mother was a nightmare. But blaming her for how your life turned out, won’t change the fact that you’re a disgusting hoarder with two houses full of junk.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Stop visiting Web MD for every little bump, nick or scratch. It always gives you results that tell you that you are probably dying. The money you shell out would be better spent supporting your astrologer, rather than your doctor.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Your hand crafted jewelry is a big hit, I hope it goes well for you. Just don’t get a big head an think that you are going to be a multi-millionaire.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Life will stress you out to the point that you will curl up in the fetal position and you will hum the theme to Game of Thrones repeatedly. Just take a moment to go outside and watch some bunnies and squirrels frolick in your backyard. It will help a little.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your vacation to an exotic island is just what you need. Unfortunately, due to a TSA mix-up, you got on the wrong list. Upon arriving, you are immediately detained by the local authorities, indefinitely.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Sriracha experiments should be best left to professionals. I know you thought it would be cool to have chili sauce scented soap, but you neglected to think how it may burn “sensitive” parts.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
I really don’t understand the appeal of all those “click-bait” articles. Sure if your bored its a time-filler, but really clicking a headline like “See the list of crazy things that stupid people do, it will blow your mind, especially #3 and #6!” Is just going to show as series of photos of you from your hacked webcam. Three guesses who wrote all the captions.
Buddhist Monkey Proverb:
Temperment is like a grenade, pull that final pin and all hell breaks loose
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only. Don’t be a dumbass.