Aries (March 21-April 19)
Someone should really redefine what Bride-porn really is. It is a sensual journey as an exhausted couple attempts to remove and undo all 800 clips, zippers, buttons, and generic tummy control devices. The groom does his best to help his new bride, but finds that she is asleep and now is permanently adhered to the pillow due to the piles of makeup and fake lashes. The groom sadly doesn’t have the strength to even remove his own clothes. The two awake groggily the next day, and have to figure out what exactly happened the day before. Contains no nudity, or adult situations. Rated X for Xanax.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Today is a special day where you will learn all about bridal-crap shopping. This is a completely different world where sizes don’t mean squat. Face it, you will be better off going to the Big and Tall store if you are a man, and for the ladies just go to the drag queen stores. Maybe you can at least find some durable thigh-high boots to go with that sequined cocktail dress turned wedding gown.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
On a rare day that you actually let sunlight and fresh air into your domicile, your reward will be a battalion of bagpipers practicing down the street.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
I see here that the number twelve is very important to you. Great news, a position has opened up at the donut shop! Position: donut flipper/counter
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Your relatives always were thankful for what little they had. Now they have benefited from being stingy all these years, and are living in the lap of luxury in their golden years. The best your dumb-ass can achieve is to be their cabana boy, and work for three dollars a day.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Good news! that TV/Internet hosting gig that you applied for so long ago, finally has funding for a pilot. I recommend you re-send them the “old” head shot not your new one, they will never hire you the way you look now.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Your visit to the doctor will yield some strange results. No its not cancer, but be sure to check the paperwork again on “pregnancy status”
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
I know you love your family, but I have to break the bad news to you, they are trying to kill you. Sadly their methods aren’t very well planned. Remember all those venus fly trap, and pitcher plants they gave you last year? They saw meat-eating plants, and thought they would grow up to be like the plant in “Little Shop of Horrors”.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
After all that hard work you did in school, you will be rewarded with a career in diplomatic services. You will get to see the world, and have many exciting experiences. However, you will be remembered mostly for going out for a walk one day, and never coming back. They never find your body, and you will remain an enigma forever.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your entire life, as you know it, is a dream. You were sedated as a child because you tried to bite your mother’s nose off. Now, the real world has just gone through a nuclear holocaust and you’re the only survivor. Unfortunately, you’re strapped to a table and cannot care for yourself, even if you do wake up. On the bright side, I heard starvation isn’t a bad way to go, peaceful even. Or wait, maybe that was drowning. Well, hopefully those meds hold out.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
A woman is trying to get your attention. You being oblivious to everything don’t pick up on this. She finally resorts to rubbing her bare breast in your face. You respond by putting a five dollar bill in her waist band, because that’s what you were taught as a kid.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
I can’t seem to tell if your upcoming hunting trip goes well or not. Regardless, someone ends up as a skin rug in a living room.
Buddhist Monkey Proverb:
One should strive to be good. Otherwise one should be careful in everything that happens next.
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only. Don’t be a dumbass.