Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re cat’s in the backyard plotting your ultimate demise. I suggest you feed it better cat food, try Fancy Feast from a little glass dish, maybe?
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The sun is not your friend today, or any day. The moment you step outside it will hurl fireballs at you. No amount of sunscreen will protect you. You can either run as fast as humanly possible, or stay inside. Your best bet is to stay inside, since you run slower than a slug on sand.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
It’s common knowledge that you’re two beans short of a psychopath. Your best course of action is at home shock therapy treatments. Sounds expensive, but don’t worry, all you need is a metal fork and an electrical outlet. Have at it.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Keep your eyes on the sky, a rogue anvil has it out for you.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
It is imperative you stop taking selfies. Not just because it exposes to the world how narcissistic you are, but also, Kim Jong Un is sending brain controlling radio waves through the lens. Don’t believe me? Ask Dennis Rodman.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
The tree in your backyard is actually one giant stick bug waiting patiently for the right moment to go Godzilla on your house.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
You are going to be the next winner of the Darwin Awards. Let me be the only person to congratulate you.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
There is a fatal fall in your future. Avoid skydiving, planes, elevators, and stairs. Definitely avoid stairs.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Radioactive ooze has dissolved into your drinking water. Unfortunately, it’s not the type that turns turtles into ninjas. It actually causes your butt cellulite to mutate into giant angry blobs. Before you get excited about having that nice ass you’ve always dreamed about, know that these blobs live off of human blood and feces. Doctors have no idea how this will ultimately affect your body.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
The neighbors are not paranoid in general. They are paranoid of YOU. After all you are on the sex-offenders database, an ex-con, under house-arrest, and under investigation by the IRS. What’s that? You’ve never been to prision? That’s not what Google says.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
There is a wild boar hiding under your bed. He’ll live there until he impales you in your sleep, then mysteriously disappear.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
I know this may come as a shock to you, but the family you lived with growing up isn’t your real family. Your real family is rich and famous and lives in Beverly Hills. Sorry I’m not telling you who, they paid me off.
Buddhist Monkey Proverb:
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only. Don’t be a dumbass.