HorrorScopes: August 4-10

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’re going to be hungry for the rest of your life. You’ll have plenty to eat, but you will never be full.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Drink your own pee, it has magical powers.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You’re carrying a new, asymptomatic strain of the plague. Unless you quit your job and live in isolated in a cave, you’ll become the next “Typhoid Mary”. The government will force you into quarantine where they will poke at you with needles and sticks.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Now is the time to try something new, like deodorant.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

News from afar will bring unwelcome visitors. Well, not actually that far. Your upstairs neighbor is a pig and now you have a cockroach infestation.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

A message is coming to you, it’s your mother reminding you that you’re the disappointing child. She’s cut you out of her will, which is a shame, the woman is secretly loaded.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)

You will have an unpleasant surprise. Really unpleasant, like ruin your life type of unpleasant. I know what it is, but I can’t tell you.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)

The police are closing in on your meth operation. Looks like you’re getting to big for your britches.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

A Frankenstein wannabe is going to kidnap you and harvest your organs for his monsters. He is really after your brain, which he’ll successfully transplant into a new stronger body. Too bad you won’t be able to explain that you’re not a monster as the government arrests him and shoots you down.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

I see you have gotten out of prison. That won’t last long.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

That wasn’t a hot dog you just ate…

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Due to staring directly at a solar eclipse you will lose your eyesight. Didn’t they tell you not to do that in first grade?


Buddhist Monkey Proverb:

For a good time call 867-5309 and ask for Jenny




wiccan-chicken-horrorscopepagan-penguin-horrorscopeWiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only. Don’t be a dumbass.

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