Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re going to be hungry for the rest of your life. You’ll have plenty to eat, but you will never be full.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Drink your own pee, it has magical powers.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You’re carrying a new, asymptomatic strain of the plague. Unless you quit your job and live in isolated in a cave, you’ll become the next “Typhoid Mary”. The government will force you into quarantine where they will poke at you with needles and sticks.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Now is the time to try something new, like deodorant.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
News from afar will bring unwelcome visitors. Well, not actually that far. Your upstairs neighbor is a pig and now you have a cockroach infestation.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
A message is coming to you, it’s your mother reminding you that you’re the disappointing child. She’s cut you out of her will, which is a shame, the woman is secretly loaded.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
You will have an unpleasant surprise. Really unpleasant, like ruin your life type of unpleasant. I know what it is, but I can’t tell you.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
The police are closing in on your meth operation. Looks like you’re getting to big for your britches.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
A Frankenstein wannabe is going to kidnap you and harvest your organs for his monsters. He is really after your brain, which he’ll successfully transplant into a new stronger body. Too bad you won’t be able to explain that you’re not a monster as the government arrests him and shoots you down.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I see you have gotten out of prison. That won’t last long.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
That wasn’t a hot dog you just ate…
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Due to staring directly at a solar eclipse you will lose your eyesight. Didn’t they tell you not to do that in first grade?
Buddhist Monkey Proverb:
For a good time call 867-5309 and ask for Jenny
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only. Don’t be a dumbass.