Aries (March 21-April 19)
That taco you just ate has a tracking chip in it, which has lodged itself permanently to the wall of your intestines. Now your secret admirer (read: stalker) will always know where you are. So romantic.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The creepy kid that stared at you in class when you were in high school is in your bedroom right now, sniffing your underwear
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Starting tomorrow all liquids you consume will turn to gelatin in your bloodstream. This will cause you to become lazier and lazier until you go to sleep forever. If you don’t want to sleep forever, it’s highly recommended that you don’t drink liquids, or sleep.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Interactions with you fuel resentment and disgust with the people you’re closest to. This is a great time to sell all of your things, give most of the money to charity, keeping just enough to get you to the remotest part of Siberia.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
There are ants setting up shop in your sheets. They were brought there by the food you insist on eating in bed. Pig.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Turns out that “fail proof” investment your cousin insisted you put your life saving into is a Ponzi scheme. Luckily, bankruptcy suits you.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Your emotions may seem a bit out of control lately. Please don’t share your crazy with the rest of the world. Keep it all pent up inside.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Big things come in small packages. Like the bomb heading your way via USPS.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You will most certainly die if a drug overdose. I know what you’re thinking, “Oh great seer of all, you must be mistaken, I don’t do drugs” I’m not mistaken. It takes a special kind of person to overdose on children’s Tylenol. You’re a pretty special person.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Every electrical device in your bedroom will annoy you at odd hours every night this week. Don’t try destroying of any of them, because they are all programmed to call the police if you do. Sweet dreams.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
That sunburn you have is going to cause every inch of your skin to fall off. The upside is that you’ll look like inside out man. The downside is… Actually, I’m having trouble finding a downside to this one.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Soon you will wake up and be unable to speak. Instead you will only have the ability to bark like a dog, specifically a Yorkie. Your partner will threaten to leave you unless you get your vocal cords removed.
Buddhist Monkey Proverb:
Happiness is a state a of mind. You can’t buy it, you can’t steal it, you can only be.
Wiccan Chicken and Pagan Penguin are fictional cartoon characters. Therefore, their horoscopes/astrological forecasts/random rants should be read for entertainment only. Don’t be a dumbass.